Jon Carter's words of wisdom
page 1
page2 Page3
Updated 8-22-09
This section features miscellaneous
little observations and ponderances from the notebooks I've written in over
the years. If you're looking for sage advice on a serious matter in your
life... well, don't look here. But if laughter is what you need...well,
don't look here either. Just read on and you'll understand...
I don't get mad. I don't get even... hey, I just
realized... I don't do anything.
Make love not peace.
One time I put a quarter in a vending machine and
it said to me, "Hey, how do you expect me to put my kids through college
with this chump change?!!!"
One time a friend of mine came to my house. He says
"Hey, buddy, you've owed me fifty bucks for the last year and a half,
now enough's enough-- cough it up!" I literally coughed up the money.
He got really scared, forgot about the money and ran off. Try it some time,
it really works!
Objects in Miro appear closer than they art.
Petrology: Science dealing with rocks. Petrockogy:
Science dealing with pet rocks.
"I'm the one who said all those great anonymous
quotes." - anonymous
"$12.95" - From the book of all-time great
quotes.
Happiness is a happiness t-shirt.
Give people an inch and they call you a tight-wad.
The best way to find something you lost
is to go out and buy another one. Then when you get back home you'll find
the lost item immediately.
Dogs are such great pets. I have a dog
that lives in a ditch in the back yard. He howls, drinks beer..... No, wait...
that's my Uncle Tony. Nevermind.
If you miss your big break in life just
remember this: opportunity is only a chance to disappoint more people than
you already are.
There's a fine line between being a meteorologist
and a meaty urologist.
Agent Blue: "I'm still mad about the
health problems you gave me in Vietnam" Agent Red: "That wasn't
me, that was Agent Orange."
Paralysis runs in my family.
The optimist says the glass is half full,
but what if it's half full of crap?
A black guy walks into a bar and says to
the bartender "have you seen a Polish guy and a Rabbi around here?"
A paraplegic walks into a bar and says
"Lord, it's a miracle!"
A dyslexic guy walks into a bar and says
to the bartender "give me a reeb."
A beer walks into a bar and says "give
me a drunk."
A school test writer walks into a bar and
says to the bartender "give me a ____________."
God bless pantheism.
There's a fine line between a clear conscience
and bouts of amnesia.
My car slows down faster than it speeds
up.
All of comedy is the same joke redone a
billion different ways.
I dedicated my last haircut to all the
janitors.